I am Drowning.

“How are you?” she asked although before I even had time to answer I could hear her on the other end of the phone busying herself with cleaning up, making dinner, or perhaps multitasking and sending an email or scrolling her IG.

“I am drowning” I replied because I couldn’t even bring myself to try and attempt the usual FINE. I wasn’t fine and frankly, I was sick of saying and pretending I was. 

The sigh of exasperation was audible. She was obviously looking for the standard FINE response. This one required effort and thought.

“ Oh darling, we all feel like we are drowning sometimes. You just need to rest. You should make yourself a nice cup of tea, or have a bath or a glass of wine, order something to eat, and get some sleep. It will make everything feel so much better.”

I wanted to scream. Will it really make everything better? 

Will it remove the disease and the suffering and the pain? Will it show me what I need to know and help me make the decisions I need to make easier? Will it relieve the weight I am feeling the burden that I am carrying and the helplessness I feel? Will it remove the sadness the loneliness, the fear, and the sheer exhaustion I am feeling?

“Sounds like a good idea” was all I could muster. 

I know she nor anyone else deserved the weight or the pendulum of my emotions. 

They were mine and mine alone. How could I even begin to explain that I was on duty around the clock?

That a glass of wine would dull my senses or encourage me to sleep perhaps so soundly that I wouldn’t hear when I was needed. 

That a bath isn’t relaxing when you are constantly listening for when you are needed and every little sound could lead to another catastrophe.

That I had lost count of the cups of tea I had made only to be left to turn cold because I had diaper changes, pain to manage, questions to try and decipher, or help to be given to someone that was no longer able to take care of themselves in any way, and could not even verbalize what they needed.

So as the conversation started to wind down and there were the usual platitudes extended of “if you need anything at all I’m here” offered, I went back to being on duty. Back to the role of caregiver, advocate, and decision-maker.

“And I’m still drowning.”

  1. Lee says:

    I hope things are going better, and that you realize while you think you may be drowning, you are actually floating for someone dear to you! Stay optimistic, and be. Cheers!

  2. Tania says:

    Wow! This really hit home for me! I feel exactly this way!! And im so glad im not the only one who feels like this!

  3. Gina Medina says:

    This is exactly how I feel…and even though I don’t have little ones anymore, the exhaustion is still present because they now become teen and young adult issues!

  4. Nancy Taylor says:

    In our lives we all will drown. No one remains unscathed. I was a ferocious, strong and confident leader in the grocery store industry for 30 years. Now I am a 57 year old woman who is on disability and hoping the titanium nuts and bolts installed into my bones will hold me together so I can keep up with my partner of 25 years. I feel you and I hear you. I know you have been “I’m so sorry’d” and “it will get better” until you are ready to pull your hair out. Been there, done that.
    So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are on this planet for a reason. You find out what it is or you don’t. There is no manual.
    Only us.

  5. Nancy Taylor says:

    I don’t use my email, but I’m willing to share my phone number to anyone who needs to bend an ear.

  6. Fiona says:

    Just so you know, whether you need it today or not, someone you have never met in Brisbane is very proud you come from her part of the world, for no other reason than the chance you take to live your life the best way you can that day, each day. In case you feel like giving up. Don’t. Time for that later. There are people who love you, right now, just cos you are. Whatever you just did. Even that.
    You rock, Tabatha; and even if you sit in a corner and suck yr thumb for the rest of time, the world is still better for having you in it. Love you.

  7. Dinse says:

    Thank you for sharing your honest words and feelings. It hit home and straight/queer to the heart… not only because I have been there as well in March 2022, but because I wish you could have called someone who came over and just sat with you… drank that (stupid) cup of tea while just holding your hand, calming your thoughts and feeling you feels for a second… and maybe give you a long hug to let you know: You are not alone. I got you. We are Diving Buddys for Life.
    Next time you feel like drowning… reach out, please. There are other sleepless souls around the world saving some oxigen for eachother so you can calm down a litte bit and keep breathing under water.
    This book helped me crying and breathing: Megan Devine – It’s ok that you’re not ok.

    Love from the Other Side of The World.

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